Directing Mr. Jordan
By Jim Caple
Page 2
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Directing Mr. Jordan By Jim Caple Page 2 | ||||
Damn. The Oscars are this weekend and somehow the Academy snubbed Michael Jordan for his groundbreaking work in the IMAX film, "Michael Jordan: To the Max."
directed by Quentin Tarantino [INTERIOR: The Bulls plane on its way to back from a road trip. Michael Jordan, played by Samuel L. Jackson, and Luc Longley, played by John Travolta, sit next to each other.] MJ: The thing about Europe is the little differences. A lotta of the s--- we got here, they got there, but it's a little different. Like, you know what they call a 20-foot-jumper in Paris? LONGLEY: They don't call it a 20-foot-jumper? MJ: No, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the f--- a 20-foot-jumper is. They call it a Royale With Cheese. LONGLEY: Royale With Cheese. No, s---? What do they call a slam dunk? MJ: They call it a slam dunk, only it's Le Slam Dunk . . . [A gun in Longley's hand suddenly fires. A bizarre GIMP, on a leash and garbed head to toe in black bondage leather and a zippered face mask, collapses to the floor.] LONGLEY: Damn, I think I just shot Rodman. Saving Michael Jordan a film by Steven Spielberg [EXTERIOR: Movie opens with a closeup on the faces of unshaven, grim-faced men waiting as if for their own funerals. Suddenly, a hail of gunfire strikes the unit, dropping many in their tracks. The survivors move forward and for the next 15 minutes, we see scenes of almost unspeakable carnage, destruction and horror. Crushing sounds of gunfire, explosions and human anquish echo from the screen. We see a man stumbling around, carrying his left arm in his right hand. Medics sprint from fallen victim to victim, working desperately to keep as many alive as possible. A priest delivers last rites to those they cannot. The hand-held camera follows the squad leader, Capt. John Miller, played by Tom Hanks, as he rounds up his confused, panicky, frightened men and leads them through the smoke, screams and gunfire to their target: the United Center in downtown Chicago where the Illinois National Guard has been called out to halt another riot following another Bulls championship. . . .] There's Something About Michael directed by the Farrelly Brothers [INTERIOR: Jordan, played by Ben Stiller, opens his hotel room door, revealing Mary, a groupie, played by Cameron Diaz.] MARY: Hi, I'm Mary and I'm your biggest fan in the world! And if you would just let me step in for a minute, I can show you the night of your . . . hey, what's that on your ear? MJ [TOUCHING GLOB DANGLING FROM EAR]: What . . . ummmm, nothing, I was just . . . MARY [GRABBING GLOB]: Is that hair gel? God, can I try it? Thanks, I need it. [APPLIES IT TO HER HAIR] Hey, this stuff is great! What brand is this? Oh, my God! Is it your own brand? Michael Jordan Hair Gel? That's so wild! Is it on the market yet? I need to get some more. I use everything you endorse. Your shoes, your t-shirts, your underwear, your cologne, your fast-food burger of choice, your long-distance provider . . . . MJK directed by Oliver Stone [EXTERIOR: A retired NBA executive, played by Donald Sutherland, walks along Lake Michigan with Chicago Tribune reporter Sam Smith, played by Kevin Costner.] SMITH: I don't understand. Jordan said he left baseball and returned to basketball because of the strike. But you make it sound as if the league orchestrated the whole thing. EXECUTIVE: That's exactly what I'm saying. It had nothing to do with the baseball strike and everything to do with NBA revenues. Remember, while Jordan was riding the buses in the minors, NBA ratings were plummetting, attendance was dropping, the network TV deal was up for negotiation, Stern's bonus was coming due, Nike and McDonald stock prices were in the toilet -- the athletic industrial complex couldn't let that continue. And the Bulls weren't willing to let the new United Center sit empty when all it took was a group of Cuban exiles and CIA operatives placing a few clear threats to Jordan's home. . . . Jordan's End a Merchant and Ivory production [EXTERIOR. Jerry Reinsdorf, played by Anthony Hopkins, and Jordan, played by Rupert Everett, walk together in the meticulously tended English garden of Reinsdorf's country manor. Both are dressed in morning suits, with top hats and canes.] REINSDORF: The dilemna is this, Michael. I cannot grant your request, because the salary cap allows me no further expenditures this jubilee season. I'm terribly sorry, but Mr. Stern is quite specific about this. MJ: But Mr. Reinsdorf, really. This is quite unjust. My play alone has incalculably increased your financial worth. All I am asking is to be fairly compensated for my labors. It really is most insulting to know that Mr. Penny Hardaway receives more from his employer than I from mine. You can appreciate how awkward all that appears. I'm afraid I cannot play if you do not grant my request. REINSDORF: Dear me, this does place us at an impasse, doesn't it? What shall we do? MJ: May I suggest my barrister? On occasions such as these, I find Mr. Falk to be most resourceful. . . . Utah by Joel and Ethan Coen Unfortunately, nothing remains of the Coen Brothers' submission, other than that the film was to take place at the 1998 NBA Finals and star John Turturro as Jordan, William H. Macy as Scottie Pippen, Steve Buscemi as Dennis Rodman and John Goodman as Phil Jackson. The IMAX producers apparently rejected the outline as too strange and morbid, especially a confusing team huddle scene, which revolved around a woodchipper. . . . Jim Caple is a regular contributor to Page 2.  Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories |
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