Tuesday, December 19 Let's resolve some things By Brian Murphy Special to ESPN.com

Woke up this morning -- well, OK -- woke up around 1 p.m. today to the most annoying sound.

Beep ... beep ... beep ...

	Jon Kitna's Seahawks lost five of their last six ... and still won the AFC West.

Couldn't figure it out. What, was it my bookie sounding the clarion call for my debt? After all, I had closed out 17 weeks of flameout picks with the Rams over the Eagles, the Chiefs over the Raiders and the Colts over the Bills. I pulled the sheets over my head, waited for him to go away and pondered changing my name.

But it wouldn't go away. One beep after another. Finally, I threw back the curtains and saw the truth.

Of course! How could I be so silly? Why, it was the annual parade of playoff trucks, backing in to their destination.

Throw it in reverse, Seattle. Lose five of six? Back 'er in, baby, and host a game, too!

Adjust the rear view, Miami. Lose your last two? Come on in, and bring some chips and dip.

Have a buddy wave you into the driveway, Detroit. Lose, what, six of eight and still playoff-bound? Send a floral display to Pete Rozelle's headstone. Sign it: "Thanks, Pete. Love, Your Undying Admirer, Parity."

What is this, the NBA? Why not just dispense with the facade and host a 64-team tourney, like the NCAA? Hell, I'll take the Jets as a No. 5 at-large seed against any of these pretenders at our little postseason soiree. Yo, when it comes down to Green Bay and Carolina -- two subpar squads, at best -- battling it out for net conference points, you've got to think George Halas is spinning like a lathe somewhere six feet under.

But we come not to bury the New Year, only to resolve that it get better: in a hurry, or we'll be staring at a Colts-Rams Super Bowl, representing two cities that didn't have NFL love a scant 15 seasons ago, and two owning families who care -- oh, let's see -- not at all about any fan base loyalty. Worse, they both play in domes and could violate the sacred tenent that no Super Bowl champion should ever come from the hideous insides of a mall passing for a football field.

Cranky? You bet, baby. You'd be, too, if your New Year's hangover hadn't gone away yet. (Free tip: never mix whiskey, Everclear and Fresca.)

So, in an effort to get the cobwebs out, and to jump start this sagging league of ours, it's time for our annual, year-end regular-season column, time for our 31 New Year's Resolutions for 31 flavors of football across this great land of ours (and that's being generous to Cleveland, on both the "football" and "great land of ours" part of the deal). From the top down:

1. For the Indianapolis Colts, a resolution that Peyton Manning stay as righteously good as he is now, for he giveth hope to all who enjoy the art of the spiral and had abandoned hope in today's youth.

2. For the St. Louis Rams, a resolution to buy a case of Kleenex, 'cause Dick Vermeil's water works will be conjuring up Noah-like images whether the Rams win it all or lose in their playoff opener.

3. For the Tennessee Titans, a resolution to leave Tennessee. Now. For all of our sakes. Really. There's some cheap land in L.A., man. Hop to it.

4. For the Washington Redskins, a resolution to pass the hat and buy out Daniel Snyder. Now. Has anybody ever annoyed so many in such a short time? I mean, besides the day Cher recorded "Believe."

5. For the Minnesota Vikings, a resolution to figure out who the hell they are: the juggernaut with the game's best player at receiver, en route to a Super Bowl? Or the would-be juggernaut with the game's biggest flameout-waiting-to-happen at quarterback? (And if you get the answer, e-mail me by kickoff this weekend.)

6. For the Seattle Seahawks, a resolution to have some shame. Decline the playoff invite. Go home. Clean the garage. Read a book. Take the dog for a walk. Help out at a neighborhood kids' center. And wear a fake nose and glasses while you do it.

7. For the Miami Dolphins, a resolution to read Seattle's resolution.

8. For the Detroit Lions, a resolution to read Seattle's resolution, then to read Miami's resolution. Lather, rinse, and repeat -- until our sacred playoffs are rid of these pretenders.

9. For the Buffalo Bills, a resolution to -- oh, man, do we hate to say this! -- but, a resolution to -- ouch, this hurts -- to, um ... admit that maybe Rob Johnson has been better all along.

10. For the Dallas Cowboys, a resolution to get interesting again. Bring back the police blotter, the womanizing, the abuses of all kinds! God, are these guys boring.

11. For the Jacksonville Jaguars, a resolution to get a hell-raising, beer-guzzling, Ken Stabler-like QB. We can only take so much of this do-gooder Mark Brunell.

12. For the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, a resolution to go on and win it all! (Why the hell not? You got anybody better? Plus, they play on grass.)

Now for teams Nos. 13-31, you non-playoff squads: Forthwith, a resolution: to fire your coach (Cincinnati, yes, but not you, Green Bay!); to be good to the memory of Pete Carroll (the New England Patriots); to stay the course (the Raiders, the Ravens, the Bears, the Eagles, the Jets); to stay sane (that goes for you, Mike Ditka and the Saints); to get your studs healthy (Denver and Atlanta); to purge your front office of anybody who has the word "genius" on his business card (the 49ers); to, um, to, um, geez, I can't think of anything for a team so milquetoast (the New York Giants, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Arizona Cardinals); to win without Ryan Leaf (the San Diego Chargers); and to steer that fat guy in the dog mask to the nearest Jenny Craig (the Cleveland Browns).

Hey, if Monica Lewinsky can do it, then the sky's the limit.

Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Examiner writes a weekly "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" column for ESPN.com.