Wednesday, December 15 Call it the forbidden dance By Brian Murphy Special to ESPN.com

A white man named Red tried to dance the Cabbage Patch on Sunday night.

	Vikings owner Red McCombs did a little premature dancing at Kansas City.

Looked more like a wilted batch of Romaine.

Let's get this straight right now: If your name is Red, if you are from Texas, if you are 72 years old and you own the Minnesota Vikings, you are not a fly boy. You do not dance the Cabbage Patch. You do not churn butter, you put it on your waffles. Stick to the two-step, Red, and keep signing the checks.

Swear to God. Did anybody else see that? Randy Moss takes a punt back for a touchdown to tie the score at 28-28 in the final minutes at Kansas City, and the cameras catch McCombs dancing the Cabbage Patch in his luxury box. I nearly spit out my Guinness down at "The Gold Cane" on Haight Street.

All sorts of things came to mind, primarily Billy Crystal's classic line about doing "the white man's overbite" from "When Harry Met Sally." Closer to home, it reminded me of my wife viewing a video of our wedding, and her slack-jawed embarrassment at the sight, one month later, of her dancing the night away to Dee-Lite's "Groove Is In The Heart." Advice: Don't ever tape yourself dancing. Because you're drunk and having fun when you're boogieing, and the sober viewing of the tape can only yield one conclusion:

"I look like I'm trying to make rain," she said in astonishment.

Michael Jackson can dance. Fred Astaire could dance. Red McCombs can't, and futhermore, shouldn't. Not when his team still has a chance to squander a critical game and -- what do you know? -- the Vikes did in a 31-28 loss at Arrowhead.

I mean, it's nice and all that McCombs is into his team. It's nice he has spirit. And he can dance anytime he wants -- in private. I was working my lower lip all the way home today to LTD's "Back In Love Again," but there's a key difference: No cameras on me, baby. Had I known I could be filmed, I'd have given an NPR-listening stoneface in my ride.

So, in honor of McCombs' momentary loss of cool, we decided to make Week 14's List of Five a tribute to those who should not be dancing and those who should after a Sunday full of drama, a salute to those who should trip the light fantastic, and to those who put away their instructional tapes of "The Hustle" until happier times prevail:

1. The Carolina Panthers.

The beauty of Carolina's stunner at Lambeau Field was that Steve Beuerlein admitted what he is: slower than a Bergman film. And the further beauty is that Beuerlein got it done with his feet of lead.

Was there a bigger stunner this year than Beuerlein's quarterback draw on the final play of a 33-31 win at Lambeau? Awesome stuff. So awesome, in fact, that Panthers owner Jerry Richardson made his way down to the locker room for personal congratulations, a rarity of late in Carolina, where things could be a lot finer. But give Richardson a ton of credit: He wasn't doing "The Train" on camera, he was merely giving it up to his gutty boys, who remain alive for one more Sunday. Cue up Van Halen's all-time classic, "Dance the Night Away," for the Panthers.

2. The San Diego Chargers.

Get me rewrite: Jim Harbaugh is writing my stuff for me! After his squad beat Seattle at the Kingdome, Harbaugh broke out the classic: "Like the Bee Gees, we're staying alive." Yo, you can tell by the way he uses his walk, he's a winnin' man, no time to talk.

I dig Harbaugh's energy and all, but with the headband and the Bee Gees references, he ain't winning any young fans. He does, however, have the market cornered on slightly overweight, fortysomething, homebound women whose social lives peaked in 1978. Burn, baby, burn! Harbaugh can break out "Disco Inferno" every day until the Chargers lose again.

3. The San Francisco 49ers.

Never in the field of human conflict has so meaningless a win meant so much to so few remaining 49ers fans. Seriously. It looked like these cats might never win again. So that Atlanta was 3-9, and that the Falcons clearly didn't give a rat's derriere whether they won or lost. Sometimes you've got to give a starving man a crumb of bread, so cue up "Mambo Italiano" for everybody's favorite paisano, Steve Mariucci.

4. The New England Patriots.

What can we say? It's gotten to the point where Drew Bledsoe is apologizing to Bob Kraft. Yeah. Like that changes anything. Never worked around my house as a kid, why should it work for Bledsoe and the Patriots, who are running a fade route out of sight in December?

These guys look flat, uninspired and bored. You can imagine the flight home from Indianapolis with the only sounds coming from Elvis Presley, crooning "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" for a group that shouldn't see a dance floor the rest of the season.

5. The Green Bay Packers.

You! Off the dance floor immediately. What used to be a raging time of year in Wisconsin -- I know, because I spent a couple January nights at "The Oasis" in Green Bay, doing my best Bobby Brown dance moves -- is now a time of doubt, self-pity and shame. Losing to Carolina at home! Losing at Lambeau in December! Losing at Lambeau when the temperature was below 35 degrees!

Ray Rhodes blew the clock management, the Packers couldn't stop the molasses-like Beuerlein on a QB draw, and now daubers are down for a team that has spent the better part of this decade dominating teams.

Guess that's why we fade out to the sounds of Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" and some advice for the Pack this week: Please beat Minnesota next Monday night at the Metrodome. We don't want to see McCombs break-dancing anywhere near the 50-yard line on national TV.

Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Examiner writes a weekly "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" column for ESPN.com.