Tuesday, December 7 The losers lament By Brian Murphy Special to ESPN.com

With all the focus on losing in Week 12, how come I spent the weekend gaining?

	Jim Fassel's Giants continue to slip out of the playoff picture.

Oops. Guess my increased poundage from having that gravy boat -- the S.S. Love Handle -- steam into the port of my Thanksgiving plate had little to do with the rest of the losing that went on.

I mean, I've never heard so much talk about losing since the topic was my high school dating file. We had the Bengals enter their game at Three Rivers on the brink of becoming the most losing team of any decade in NFL history. We had Keyshawn Johnson proclaiming aloud, for every ink-stained loser, er, wretch, as he came off the field in Indianapolis: "I don't want to be around a bunch of losers!" We had the Raiders out in Oakland finding ways to lose games so exquisitely, finding ways to implode so splendiferously that the old TV series "In Search Of ..." is considering re-upping for the winter to go in search of the Raiders' next fourth-quarter lead that holds.

It was all enough to make a man cue up Sinatra's "Here's to the Winners," second-rate tune though it might be, just to remind you that the NFL wasn't seriously considering adding a penalty where the head official puts his thumb and forefinger in the shape of an "L" on his forehead to signal a 15-yard penalty for "excessive loser-like activity."

Look around. All over the league, the story was who lost, not who won, and if that doesn't sound like an excuse for this week's List of Five, well then, buddy, you don't know a column theme when it bangs you over the head shortly before deadline. To wit, a look back at some of the losing that went on in Week 12:

1. The New York Giants.

It dawned on me as I was watching another Sunday night highlight show, about the time the Giants-Cards reel came on and, simultaneously, a long, syrupy rope of drool began forming off my lower lip: There really is no NFL team worse to watch than the New York Giants. Seriously. This is the most boring team in the league, and that is really saying something. I mean, at least with the Browns there is constant comedy. At least with the Bengals there is the so-bad-you-can't-look-away factor. At least with Philadelphia, you have the chance that a fan at the Vet is going to light some sort of pyrotechnic device attached to his head at any given time. The Saints? Please. Ditka makes them the most sociologically and pathologically fascinating team in the league.

But the Giants? Jim Fassel? Kerry Collins? Kent Graham? Tiki Barber? Stop! It's like counting sheep at night. Two more names and I'll be fast asleep. Somebody mercy-kill these guys' season right now -- but not until after next Sunday, when they take on the Jets. Speaking of which ...

2. The New York Jets.

These guys make the "Loser List" because of our man, Keyshawn, and his anti-loser tirade. Now, granted, Keyshawn is a dynamite player, a winning personality, a blast to watch. But dude! Keep your mouth shut on the loser tirade until you at least reach the freaking locker room. Like the scribes in Gotham aren't going to be all over that, stirring it up even more in a 4-7 season that is already painful enough.

Keyshawn, quick lesson: If you are not part of the solution, then, dude, you are part of the problem. No matter how much backtracking you do -- and Keyshawn was doing a Michael Jackson moonwalk, circa 1982, on Monday -- you cannot be part of a 4-7 squad and start calling everyone else a loser. That would, dude, make you a loser. Now, as for calling the New York Giants losers ... you might have something there, kid.

3. The New England Patriots.

I was sitting at a Cubs-Giants game at Wrigley Field this past August, holding a cold lager and a bad attitude. My problem: I was surrounded by some ardent New England Patriots fans who, on the eve of this glorious NFL season, were explaining to me how the Pats were Super Bowl bound. My simple, consistent response to them was this: "Seven and nine. You will finish seven and nine. Do you hear me? Seven and nine." They went nuts. Called me an idiot. Called for my head. I called for the beer man and repeated: "Seven and nine."

Well, imagine my chagrin when the Pats rolled into Week 9 with a 6-2 record. But I had faith. I had faith that, somehow, Drew Bledsoe would stumble. I had faith that, without a running game, the Pats would find trouble. I had faith that Vincent Brisby and Lawyer Milloy would get into a spat at a charity function. I had faith that Terry Glenn would be late for Thanksgiving Day practice, and I had faith that Pete Carroll would bench him for a quarter to cause further division.

And I have utter faith that the Pats can still finish, once more, with feeling: "Seven and nine."

4. The Pittsburgh Steelers.

What's sadder: losing to the Browns at home, or losing to the Bengals at home? What's sadder: Kordell Stewart as quarterback, or Kordell Stewart as wide receiver? What's sadder: that the Steelers are 1-4 at Three Rivers this year, or that they are one loss away from their first home losing season in stadium history?

Is there anything that can save us from this morose feeling, can rescue us from Loser Land? Wait! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's ...

5. The Cincinnati Bengals' victory flight home!

Yes! The antidote to the overwhelming loserness that dominated our senses comes in the form of Bruce Coslet's re-fanged Tigers. How sweet is this: the Bengals are one loss away from setting the all-time NFL mark for losses in a decade, and they rise up and beat the hated Steelers! Is this the all-time heartwarming story or what? Jeff Blake to Darnay Scott: is there any reason this can't go on for the last five weeks of the season to stave off the ignominy?

Why, for the love of Cris Collinsworth's hair, of course not! Simple. Especially with those patsies, the 49ers coming in next week. That's an easy one. Then the Browns at Cleveland. An easy W. Then at Baltimore. Chalk it up. And finally, the season finale at Jacksonville. Money in the bank! Mark Brunell and Jimmy Smith will be spending the weekend in the Florida Keys, resting for the playoffs.

Long live the Bengals, the least losers of them all!

Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Examiner writes a weekly "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" column for ESPN.com.