This is why we love the NFL.

	Steve Mariucci knows the 49ers are in uncharted territory -- and he doesn't want to go there.

Every week, it never fails us. We always get something -- some sort of peg on which to hang our cynical, peanut-gallery chapeau. A Mike Ditka crotch grab. A Rams win. A Ray Buchanan body slam.

Did we mention the Mike Ditka crotch grab? Because that's some seriously funny stuff.

I mean really, really funny.

Sunday's revelation wasn't as funny as, well, revelatory. Did you catch Steve Mariucci's act after the latest 49er embarrassment? Guy looked like he was going as a dead man for a Halloween party. Like he dabbed his face with some Goth powder before meeting the press. Like he needed to check those bags under his eyes at the gate before boarding his plane home.

Then, quoth the sombre Mooch: "We are entering into a place we've never been before." The only things missing were the dramatic organ chords and some lightning straight off the set of "Young Frankenstein."

Hey, I know a column theme when I see one.

What better metaphor for another ridiculous slew of games in the NFL, for a Week 7 that again defied our minds, our hopes, our betting lines? We are, indeed, going to a place we've never been before, and even more scary, into places we have been before but hope never to return. Not unlike Cleveland.

So let's make this week's "List of Five" a tribute to places we've never been and to places we hope never to return. Not unlike Cleveland:

1. Like, for example, Cleveland.

All right, these guys got a one-week exemption, then a two-week exemption, and a finally a three-week exemption from any kind of heckling, criticism or gales of laughter. But now, at 0-7 and without a freaking prayer, it is time to bring down the hammer on the folly that is the Return of the Browns. Hey, how's that fat guy in the dog mask feeling these days? Yeah, it ain't so cool being the fat guy in the dog mask when your squad is 0-7 and looking at the very real possibility of becoming 0-8 at the hands of the crotch-grabbing Saints.

And then there's Kevin Johnson, the rookie receiver who predicted victory over the Rams. One Cleveland columnist praised Johnson for being the only thing not boring about these Browns. We'll give him that. We'll also say this: Yo, Kevin, your crew stinks. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. And do not predict victories. At least not until you play Cincinnati again.

2. Then again, there are the Raiders.

Fire up the 1970s NFL Films music, don your Cliff Branch game jersey and hop on board the Silver-and-Black bandwagon! Talk about entering places you've never been before: the Raiders? Pulling off a gutty comeback win? Overcoming a 20-3 deficit late in the third quarter against the Jets? The Raiders? The gutless, heartless, soulless Raiders?

As the The Specials once sang: "It's the dawning of a new era." We're all for it, especially if it means more opportunities to check out Al Davis' hair, the Tenth Wonder of the World behind No. 8, the Astrodome, and No. 9, Jim Gray's career.

	Stoney Case Quarterback Baltimore Ravens Profile
	1999 SEASON STATISTICS COMP ATT YDS TD INT RAT 62 141 797 3 6 51.6

3. Then again, there are the Ravens.

The horror. The horror. Was Brando a Baltimore fan? Boy, are the Ravens brutal. Who among you shuddered with fright when you heard Brian Billick's three-deep QB list: Scott Mitchell (holy smokes!), Stoney Case (what?) and Tony Banks (no, no, a thousand times no!)?

Well, Brilliant Brian, you made your filthy bed, now lie in it. After dumping Mitchell (of course), and now benching Case after last week's loss to Kansas City (of course), Billick is now turning to Banks for this Sunday's game against Buffalo. Talk about entering places we never want to see again! Yo, coach, quick logic lesson: St. Louis Rams with Tony Banks, worst team in this decade. St. Louis Rams without Tony Banks, only undefeated team in NFL. Good luck, Baltimoreans. You'll need it.

4. Then again, there's always Iron Mike.

Don't even pretend you're going to a place you've never been before, Saints fans. You've been to that house of horrors known as a Lost Season every year of the Ditka era. And then to have our hero, Iron Mike, blurt in disgust after the 31-3 loss to the New York Giants: "I guess we're the elixir that makes everyone happy." Well, um, er, uh ... yeah. You are.

Not only does your inept football take care of every opponent's happiness -- sorry, you can't win with a QB named Billy Joe unless you're the junior varsity from Inbred Tech -- but your head coach's antics never cease to keep me happy. I mean, this guy is a riot. I could watch Ditka outtakes all day, maybe a "Ditka Classic" sports channel opposite ESPNClassic. Tonight, on Ditka Classic: At 8 p.m., the gum-throwing incident from San Francisco; at 9 p.m., the Jim Harbaugh screaming match; and at 10 p.m., the cigar-and-Hawaiian shirt Draft Day incident.

5. And finally, there are the 49ers.

The boys who gave us the idea. "We're entering a place we've never been before." Poor Mooch. Guy signs on to coach a squad with Garrison Hearst, Steve Young, Dana Stubblefield, Bryant Young with two good legs and Jerry Rice with two good knees. He's got none of it now, plus a doddering, nosey old Genius poking around his personal belongings and reading his e-mail when he's not around.

Yes, Steve, you're entering a place you've never been before. We liked you when things were better, and we still like you now. We just feel sorry for your predicament. Take the bye week to count your blessings. After all, Tony Banks isn't your quarterback, your name isn't Iron Mike, and you didn't take that Cleveland gig -- which means that you don't have to worry about that fat guy in the dog mask calling you his best friend. Hey, life is full of small pleasures.

Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Examiner writes a weekly "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" column for ESPN.com.