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Wednesday, October 20
They're slapping us silly


About a month ago, Jeff George gave an interview to the San Jose Mercury News.

Read it. Took me about two weeks to stop laughing.

Jeff George
Jeff George has replaced Randall Cunningham as the man running the show in Minnesota.
Here was a cat so self-delusional, you figured the next roster move was to put him in a rubber room. He told Sam Farmer of the Merc, among other things, and I'm roughly paraphrasing here: "Yeah, now that Elway has retired, it's only really me and Favre who can do certain things." Later, he belittled every backup he's ever had and called Jack Trudeau a "slappy" for trying to undermine George in Indianapolis.

The only sane response to George's rantings, of course, would be to slap that slappy upside his helmet. I mean, dude! Are you kidding me? You are the biggest slappy of all time! In fact, it would take an archaeologist to dig up a more disappointing NFL career in the past two decades than Jeff George. Run out of Indy, run out of Atlanta and run out of Oakland, here was a slappy earning mid-six figures to be Randall Cunningham's caddy.

Disgraceful, really, this guy's act.

So imagine our chagrin when we woke up after another Sunday NFL binge and came to this startling realization: The slappy has taken over our NFL world. And Jeff George is leading the way.

And yet, in every case except George's, we endorse it. There's nothing like more lawlessness to make this season more unpredictable, nothing like the thought that, around the league on Sunday, we had an Arena Leaguer leading an unbeaten team, a Canadian leaguer leading the winningest team of the '90s, an Ivy Leaguer leading one of the AFC's Super Bowl favorites, and a Bush Leaguer leading Minnesota to another loss.

This week's List of Five, then, is in honor of Sal Slappy himself, Jeff George, and a tribute to all the backups, the slappies he so callously dismissed throughout his career. Yes, George is one of them now, and he has overthrown his No. 1 guy in Viking Land. But don't look back, Jeffy -- these guys might be gaining on you.

1. Revenge of the Nerd.

When Jay Fiedler left the field in Jacksonville after leading the Jags to a 24-7 victory over Cleveland, he was serenaded with chants of "Fied-ler, Fied-ler." Usually when an Ivy Leaguer gets his name chanted like that -- Fiedler is a Dartmouth alum -- it's at a presidential rally, or from a group of supporters at a white-collar crime trial outside some courthouse.

 
Jay Fiedler
Quarterback
Jacksonville Jaguars
Profile
 
 
1999 SEASON STATISTICS
COMP ATT YDS TD INT RAT
12 15 113 1 0 122.4

Can you believe this guy? Completes 12 of 14 passes for 113 yards, overcoming a 7-6 deficit against the hapless Browns and pulling away? It's so hilarious down in Jacksonville that reporters were actually asking if Mark Brunell had lost his gig! Yeah, Brunell left with bruised ribs, but now he's got this bookworm on his tail.

Fiedler can not only plan Brunell a sound financial retirement package, he could get Brunell thinking 401k instead of cover-two! Coughlin said it'll be Brunell, but in the meantime, we're on the roof, chanting: "Fied-ler! Fied-ler! ..."

2. Look, a QB can move!

At least that's what they're saying in Miami. Watching the wooden Indian that is Dan Marino in the pocket the past five years can get a little vexing if you're a Dolphins fan, so imagine their surprise when Damon Huard took over for an injured Marino and -- holy cow! -- scrambled to buy time and -- oh my God! -- avoided a pass rush and -- for the love of Mike! -- rolled out on pass plays to beat New England.

Yes, Miami fans, it's a brave new world out there, the world of QBs who don't have cement cleats. Yeah, so go back to Marino next week. See how far you get. I'm telling you right now you ain't getting to the Super Bowl with that statue. But don't worry, you've got Jim Druckenmiller waiting in the wings. That guy couldn't run a 6.0 40-yard dash if his pants were on fire.

3. Nice work, son, now you're benched.

Or is that what Brian Griese expects to hear in Denver? Two weeks ago, he lost his job to Bubby Brister. Since then, Griese is 2-0 as a starter. Wow, that Mike Shanahan is some master motivator. He wants to bench Griese, but can't because Brister is hurt, so his starter-turned-backup becomes his backup-turned-starter and now the guy has beaten the Raiders and the Packers.

Yo, Mike, why didn't you think of something this brilliant the first four weeks? And don't you love how facts can get in the way of a good story? For the second week in a row, Denver players chastised the media for not believing.

After the win over Green Bay, cornerback Ray Crockett said: "That was you guys who said we never had a chance." Um, quick check, Ray. In Sports Illustrated, it was a Denver player who said: "We're finished. We're done. We could go 3-13." To review, Ray: Player: wears uniform, gives quotes. Reporter: wears ill-fitting Dockers, merely writes down quotes. Are we OK now?

4. Rick Mirer, King of All Slappies.

Was it Dylan who wrote a song about Mirer? Something like, "How many times must a man lose his job/Before we call him a bust?/How many times must a first-rounder get faced?/Before his career gets crushed?" Quick summary: Mirer has now lost gigs to Jon Kitna and Ray Lucas. Quick analysis: Boy, he must really suck.

5. And to the Rest ...

To Mr. Frerotte in winning Detroit -- I'll hop on your bus, Gus. To Cade McNown in Chicago -- I'm digging your gutty little Bruin work, dude. Just park in the right freaking place, all right? To Jeff Garcia in San Francisco -- it ain't your fault, kid, don't sweat it.

And for Sal Slappy? All right, all right. Congratulations on your new job. Maybe you were right. Maybe, now that Elway has retired, it's just you and Favre. And Fiedler. And Huard. And Griese. And ...

Brian Murphy of the San Francisco Examiner writes a weekly "Tuesday Morning Quarterback" column for ESPN.com.


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