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		Crouching Jackson, Hidden Wheeler Special to Page 2

			Editor's Note: When we got to work today, we found another e-mail from that bartending, skateboarding buddy of ours in California. We decided to pass it along again. A word of warning: always wear a helmet. Chapter 19 ... in which our hero is pitted against an exalted spirit I used to think heaven was a sheer 20-foot face of angry seawater, but that's before I got introduced to Jeannie Buss' bedroom. Ever since I saved her from becoming C.J.Hunter's latest protein supplement, she's found about a million ways to thank me. We've used more towels than there are at Newport Beach on Labor Day. I say it's healthy to give your brain a rest and let a different part of your body do the thinking for awhile. But it can be dangerous. Jeannie drops me off at Lore's for my shift three nights ago. When I walk up, I see cop cars with flashing lights. Stu Getzler, the manager, stops me at the door. "No work today, Wheeler," he says. "Some maniac broke in overnight and smashed the place to bits with a baseball bat. The cops are dusting for prints. You wouldn't have any ideas about this, would you?" I tell Stu my brain-rest theory and how asking for ideas right now isn't what you'd call the way to go. I can tell Stu isn't getting with my program. "Jeez, Wheeler, aren't you guys open tonight?" I turn around. It's Rick Pitino. He has made a special trip to Lore's, he says, because he's got some big decisions to talk over with me. He has offers to coach at Louisville and perhaps Michigan, sure. But they're also begging him to take over the U.S. Alpine Ski Team. "You've got to help me decide, Wheeler," he says. "The London Philharmonic's making me an offer tomorrow." Then, he puts on his best Elect Rick Pitino Student Council President face. I tell Rick my brain-rest theory. He's not down with my program either. But the one who really doesn't get my brain-rest theory is Janine, little Miss Orange County. Her brain totally doesn't believe in rest. Ever. "I thought you and me were committed to social justice since we went up to Tahoe," she hollers at me. Then she starts crying. "I'm heading down to San Diego tonight. To Woodglen Vista Skate Park. Where all those kids hung, including Andy Williams, the dope who shot up Santana High. We need to visit all the skate parks in the world. To skate verts and tell people there are alternatives to ragging on each other and grabbing guns. But what do you care? You're shacked up with some basketball bimbo. And your buddy, Puker? He's locked inside his bedroom watching a 'Rocket Power' marathon on Nickelodeon. You two suck." Janine does the old spews-and-cruise. And when she's gone, so is everybody else, pretty much. I go around to the side of Lore's. I figure I'll hitch a ride back to Buss Heaven. And that's when I see him. This guy getting off his motorcycle. He's tall. Humongously tall. He's wrapped head to toe in ninja black with just a little slit open for his eyes. He comes toward me and stops. After some moments of meditation, Phil Jackson unleashed his fury on our hero. My pulse starts doing a drum solo. Because there's no doubt what this wrapped-in-black dude wants: a piece of me. Suddenly he levitates. Just corkscrews straight up into the sky about 20 feet. No strings to lift him or anything. When he corkscrews back down, he's got a long, sharp knife in his hand. "It is the hour of your death, Wheeler," the stranger hisses. I manage to jump over a couple knife swipes. There's no ninja faster with his feet than a dude who's spent 15 years loving a skateboard. "I underestimated you, young Wheeler," he hisses. "Now, behold the Leaping Tiger in the Garden of Doom." He takes off again into the sky. Hops from lightpole top to lightpole top around the parking lot. I'm watching him and thinking maybe I've given my brain a little too much of a rest, as in, this can't be happening, when he executes a triple backward somersault and lands like a cat on the ground behind me. In a second, he's got me on the ground. I wait to feel the cut of the knifeblade. That's when the alarm on his watch starts beeping. "Damn," he mutters through his face mask. "Warm-up drills." I reach up and grab a fistful and come away with his mask. It's Phil Jackson. "It's your great misfortune to have seen me, Young Xtreme Athlete," he says. "Rest assured it will not be the last time. Stay away from Jeannie Buss." And with that he's off, leaping onto his chopper and roaring toward the 10 to prep the Lakers for an important game against their Pacific Division rivals, the Sacramento Kings. I wander back around to the front of Lore's. I figure maybe my brain's rested-up enough for me to tell somebody that Phil Jackson is using "Action" as his middle name again. That's who must have torn up Lore's. But just as I find Stu Getzler, a cop stumbles out of Lore's, stepping over all the broken glass. He's got something in his hand. He introduces himself as Det. Mark Pinto. "Take a look at this," Det. Pinto says, holding up a tiny, round object between his thumb and index finger. "Why the hell are you showing me that?" Stu says. "Just find the nutcase who put me out of business." I see right away what it is. "It's a bead," I say. "They're all over the place in there," Det. Pinto says. "Craziest thing I've ever seen." "They're the kind of beads women like to put in their hair," I say. I realize they won't find coach Jackson's prints inside Lore's Sports Bar. My brain isn't resting any longer. Next week: In Chapter 20, the trail of beads leads our hero to a Grand Slam hopeful. Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories		wheeler's  ALSO SEE: Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 18 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 17 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 16 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 15 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 14 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 13 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 12 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 11 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 10 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 9 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 8 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 7 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 6 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 5 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 4 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 3 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 2 Wheeler's X-Cellent Adventures: Chapter 1
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