| | | Hey, current and future NFL head coaches!
Do you want to be ready for that press conference to announce your next job?
|  | | New Browns coach Butch Davis was the latest to successfully use Page 2's acceptance speech. |
Well, now all you have to do is fill in the blanks. That's right, we here at Page 2 are providing you with a ready-to-go acceptance speech.
Our product is fully updated and even includes lines from the press conferences of this year's crop of professional coaches. Our NFL version paraphrases the words of Marty Schottenheimer, Dick Vermeil and yes, our favorite, Butch Davis.
You'll laugh with friends as the media gives you credit for cliché after cliché. We've actually had more than 15 head coaches use our speech form in the past three years alone and -- for your protection -- our customer database is never revealed.
Take a look at last year's edition to see how well we simplify what is normally such a technically difficult speech:
"First, let me say that I'm very honored to take over the job as head coach of the __________ (GIVE FULL NAME OF TEAM, LOOK AROUND FOR CLUES IF YOU NEED HELP). It is indeed a __________ (FIRST, BUSINESS, ECONOMY) -class organization with such a great history.
"I distinctly remember my Sundays as a kid sitting on my living room floor, sipping hot cocoa and listening to the radio. Just hearing the names of __________ (THE QUARTERBACK OF THE '50s, IF YOU ARE 55 OR ABOVE, A QUARTERBACK OF THE '60s IF YOU ARE 45 OR ABOVE. FOR REPUTATION PURPOSES, PLEASE PICK ONE THAT DIDN'T SUCK) and watching ___________ (RUNNING BACK DURING 1940-1970. MAKE SURE YOU WERE ALIVE AT THE TIME BEFORE REFERENCING) run all over my television screen (IF YOU ARE OLDER THAN 65, MAKE SURE THERE WAS TELEVISION AT THE TIME).
"So this was really the dream job for me. It was clear from the beginning that if I were going to make the change and leave ____________(SAY WHERE YOU CAME FROM), this would be the premier place to go. I know that sounds quite strange, given that the __________ (USE ONLY NICKNAME OF YOUR NEW TEAM) had ____ (A NUMBER LESS THAN SIX) wins and ____ (A NUMBER MORE THAN NINE, MAKE SURE THE TWO ADD UP TO SIXTEEN) losses, but it's true. (HINT: DO NOT MENTION HOW MUCH MORE MONEY YOU ARE MAKING WITH YOUR NEW TEAM.)
"I tell you, spending time with ___________ (GENERAL MANAGER/PRESIDENT) and ________(RAGGEDY OLD OWNER) throughout the interview process further confirmed how comfortable I will be in the future. You know, it's funny. _________ (GENERAL MANAGER/PRESIDENT/OWNER) and I first met __________(A NUMBER GREATER THAN 10) years ago in a small coffee shop in ____________ (PREFERABLY A TOWN WITH A POPULATION OF LESS THAN 15,000). I swear the population of that town must have been less than 15,000! I think we both had the feeling on that ________ (COLD/WARM/HOT) _________ (WINTER/SPRING/SUMMER) day that we would somehow cross paths in the future.
"Again, while the choice was easy for me, what lies ahead is by no means an easy task. On the flip side, I haven't come here to lose. The past couple of days I have been watching a lot of tape from last season. I do really like the solid mix of veterans in (TRY TO REMEMBER VETERANS' NAMES) ____________ and _______________ and young stars like ________________ and ___________(TRY TO REMEMBER YOUNG STARS). I have a lot of respect for the system that ____________ (COACH WHO GOT CANNED) put it in place, and some elements I assure you are needed to provide a good foundation to build off.
"Let me just say that, although I'm eager, I won't put a specific timetable on making the playoffs.
"And before I turn it over for questions, I just want to say one thing to the fans of the _______ (NEW TEAM): You are the greatest fans in the world, and I'm happy to be a part of a team with such a strong support network.
Darren Rovell, ESPN.com's sports business reporter, can be reached at darren.rovell@espn.com.
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