ESPN.com - Page2 - Bakay's Tale of the Tape:<br>Soprano vs. Knight

Bakay's Tale of the Tape:
Soprano vs. Knight
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

Both intimidate the weak. Both live by a dinged code of ethics. But Bob Knight and Tony Soprano have more in common than meets the naked eye.

They're big, they're angry and they ain't afraid to get physical. Lately, it seems the system is trying to run them out of their respective games, but it ain't gonna be easy.

Bobby vs. Tony. The General vs. the Capo. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape.

MOB BOSS VS. BENCH BOSS
Category	Soprano	Knight	Edge
Signs of respect:	Kiss his ring	Kiss his butt	Soprano
Also known as:	The black hand	"Call me Mr. Knight"	Push
Faints at:	The sight of meat	The sight of Murray Sperber	Push
You only hurt the one you love:	His own mother put a contract out on him	Separated his son's shoulder on a hunting trip	Knight -- hey, you pop it back into the joint, good as new
Medical conditions:	Panic attacks	Press conference Tourette's	Push
How you know they're ticked at you:	Flare nostrils, torch your restaurant	Flare nostrils, toss a chair at you	Soprano
How they relax:	Eyeballing the lovelies at Bada Bing's	Scaring a 54-year-old secretary until she weeps	Soprano
Where they tend to shoot their friends:	Fishing trips	Hunting trips	Knight. Tony's friends don't tend to make the trip back
May soon be exiled to:	The swamps around the Meadowlands	West Texas	Knight
What will get them in the end:	Wire taps	A lack of human decency	Soprano
Yeah, right:	I'm in the waste management business	I'm ready to mold young lives again	Soprano
Willingness to grow:	Weekly psychotherapy with Dr. Melfi	A three-day anger management seminar taught by Mike Ditka	Soprano
Acts of treason:	A devoted capo wearing a wire	John Feinstein printing all the dirty words	Push
Compassion:	A sip of Diet Fanta before your blind date with Mr. Lead	A pat on the butt before your date with a chokehold	Soprano
Gambling:	Runs it	Touts it on the Internet	Soprano

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break it down scientifically. In a sawed-off baseball bat to the kidneys, the advantage goes to Tony Soprano. Hey, when a member of his crew cripples a guy, he builds the wounded party a wheelchair ramp.

Besides, it's only a matter of time before Steve Alford replaces them both. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.