As Maryland’s intrepid Turtles waddle into still another seemingly guaranteed shell-acking by Duke on Sunday in College Park -- what is it, 17 times in the last year? -- Gary Williams is undoubtedly sweating the dreads.

"Tickets? You kidding me? This thing’s been sold out since the Final Four. You know, we split with them the last two years," he said to a phone caller whom he obviously figured has been living under a rock since Devils-Terps became THE game (uh, games).

Williams’ so-called "split" factors only the teams’ regular-season meetings, of course -- not the ACC and NCAA tournament catastrophes that enveloped his poor team last spring when Maryland kept building huge leads only to have the crooked judges exchange huge amounts of cash, cars, condominiums and sexual favors before awarding the competition to ... ooops, wrong sport.

In truth, Williams -- fondly known as Sweat Boy to those of us at ESPN eternally in his debt for allowing us to access his very glands and pores for a TV piece a couple of NCAAs ago -- must feel put-upon by the zebras who seem to become overly involved at key moments of every Duke-Maryland event -- such as the phantom call on Lonny Baxter toward the end of the Blue Devils’ national semifinals victory in Minneapolis. Did Maryland blow a bigger lead in that game ... or was it in that earlier, regular-season self-immolation at College Park (when, by the way, Jason Williams first turned into Isiah Thomas)? It really has become difficult to differentiate the Maryland meltdowns.

That is why Williams will be sweating this Sunday at a rate even more prolific than his customary flow. Think we’re making this up? Well, anybody who has witnessed the maniacally visaged coach’s wiltingly wet look -- from his glistening, steambath-matted hair to his initially elegant but soon soaked-clear-through suits as he stalks and screams along the sideline -- knows whereof we perspire, uh, purport to speak. Luckily for us, even Sweat Boy himself acknowledges his preeminence in the field of sopping brows.

Which must have been why he cooperated when ESPN network honcho Jim Cohen -- sadistic as he is -- came up with the assignment of a TV feature on Williams’ sweating. The lucky reporter: me.

This was March, 1999, the week of the ACC tournament -- and both producer Andy Tennant and I were astonished Williams would be such a terrific sport during such a turbulent time. But, judging by the coach’s dry cleaning bills, the passage of buzzer-beaters has done nothing to minimalize the Mississippi of marshslides that Cole Sauna House has become under Williams’ weirdly wet watch.

Herewith, a sampling from that everlastingly (of course) soaked script:

OPEN -- On contemplative, joyously and guiltlessly sweating face of Gary Williams sitting at his office desk. Beads of sweat drip … drip ... drip from his forehead and nose, not to mention his cheeks and chin.

WILLIAMS: The NCAA tournament … Orlando, Florida … Sun … Heat ... Sweat! My kind of game!

REPORTER: Even in repose, especially at the cusp of the Big Dance and the Bigger Dreads, Maryland’s Gary Williams is on edge. Intense. Wild-eyed. And wet … wet … wet. Not for nothing is he college basketball’s Sultan of Sweat.

PLAYER MATT HAHN: There’s been times the sweat is actually hitting us. Man, we’re just sitting here watching the game and [he’s] sweating on us, yelling at us. Give us a break.

PLAYER LARON PROFIT: The sweat’s coming from everywhere. It’s like a sniper. It’s coming here, coming there, coming here, there.

WILLIAMS: It’s part of my system. Guys get nervous. Some smoke. Some chew a lot of gum. I sweat.

PROFIT: The truth is, the coach’s sweat is rubbing off on you, from everywhere. You look on our bench and see guys in towels -- on their heads, around their shoulders, around their necks. Trying to fend off the sweat.

WILLIAMS: They say you gotta calm down. I say you gotta get your ulcer treated at the end of the season. That’s just the way it comes out in me. Every coach feels pressure.

REPORTER: Is there an odor thing? A smell thing?

WILLIAMS: I don’t notice it. You’ll have to ask other people.

PROFIT: This could cost me minutes. I probably shouldn’t say anything about odor. But if this is just between you and me … [Holds his nose] ... there could be a problem with odor.

HAHN: After games [the coaches] come around … We look at them, like ‘Thanks for telling us we played a good game. But go take a shower.'

WILLIAMS: Sometimes when you really sweat well, the tie actually gets wet.

REPORTER [somewhere in College Park]: We’ve investigated several dry cleaning establishments in the area. But none of them would confirm or deny that Williams is a customer. Mr. Kim here in College Park -- whose cleaners is closest to the Maryland campus -- refused to even come on camera to discuss the situation at all. Speculation persists that the coach’s sweat-drenched wardrobe requires some kind of mysterious, top-secret treatment.

WILLIAMS: I keep waiting for that big dry-cleaning contract. I think there’s a conspiracy against me. I think I’m bad for the product.

ANONYMOUS DRY CLEANER [howling over the roar of his machines]: WHEN SOMEBODY BRINGS IN A SUIT LIKE THIS THAT IS SOAKED WITH PERSPIRATION, ONE OF THE BIGGEST CHALLENGES IS TO REMOVE STAINS FROM THE GARMENT!

REPORTER: Wrong! The biggest challenge confronts the Terps. How to remove themselves from Williams’ sweltering sweat pits!

PROFIT: [The court’s] kind of dangerous. There’s a lot of wet spots. You gotta dodge where he’s been. He’s dripping sweat.

REPORTER [gesturing off court]: Those mops in the corner, that machine?

WILLIAMS: We have a Zamboni for wood. They run it by our bench quite a bit.

GREG SMITH, Maryland Facilities Asst. Director: We have our Zamboni on wood. [Demonstrating at Zamboni] It sops up all the sweat … usually where Gary stands by the bench. We soak it up in here and then take it out back.

REPORTER (pointing to unflattering puddle on concrete): Looks like Coach Williams has been here recently.

SMITH: Yeah, he probably was thinking about what he wants to say to the kids after the game.

REPORTER [to Williams]: So do you ever say to the kids why you drip like a sweat hog?

WILLIAMS: You wonder why you do it. It’s not something you want to do -- or are proud of. You know … you just sweat.

***

Here’s the perfect solution for Williams on Soppy Sunday: Tank top, towels and trickanery -- and tape the French judge’s triceps and toes together. Oh, you want a real prediction? Well, when Steve Blake plays well, he neutralizes J-Will and Maryland wins. Blake fouled out a year ago in Cole, and barely showed up for Game 1 in Durham. Now it’s personal for him -- says here he’ll give Williams enough trouble that the Terps will be able to play Duke even, giving Chris Wilcox a chance to make the difference over Carlos Boozer inside.

Maryland 92, Duke 84. No sweat.

Curry Kirkpatrick is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at curry.kirkpatrick@espnmag.com.