| | CHICAGO -- If it hadn't come from a United Soccer Leagues press release, I might have thought it was a misquote. But there it was: USL President Francisco Marcos, square in the announcement of his league's dropping the despised shootout, shooting his mouth off.
"I think this is a dangerous attempt at giving the new purist of American soccer their day," said Marcos. "We'll see how it goes for one year and we'll see just how many of these soccer purists there are that say Americans will accept ties."
What a stunning a display of hubris!
Those of us who enjoy seeing the game played the way everyone else plays it are somehow to blame for the death of great innovation! Forgive me, I hadn't realized that the American game was so far removed and so special that it required such diligent caretaking.
Even more breathtaking -- ready for this one? -- the USL changed the rules partially in response to overwhelming fan pressure. But hey, the fans don't know anything, now do they?
This was the second time this week that I heard the term "purist" bandied about as if it was a synonym for "moron." A guy called me up -- seeking publicity, no less -- to try to sell me on a piece of protective headgear for kids. When I pointed out that his device was illegal for the field of play, he responded: "What are you, one of those purists?"
Nah. You're right -- go right ahead. Put all the little soccer-playing kids in helmets, because that way the hard ball can't hurt their heads. Safety first, right? Hey, as my caller pointed out, a lotta kids play this game and we need to shield them at all times. I asked the guy if he thought risk was a part of sports; he didn't answer, because, once again, here was a soccer businessman who didn't think soccer was really a sport.
While we're at it, why don't we put the goal about 5 feet off the ground, because more people hit the ball over goals than into them. Hey, let's pad the posts, too, because you run into that thing and it's gonna hurt. You know, this whole "no hands" thing is pretty stupid, too, so let's ditch that as well.
Sound familiar?
It should: It's how American football got started in the first place.
Why do leagues and governing bodies and youth coaches continually try to tinker with something that isn't broken? Why do soccer businessmen in the USA continually insult fans' intelligence by crafting bizarre, ham-handed "rules" that add little to the game except make it an easy target for mockery? And what makes the USA so darn unique that we just can't play the game in 45-minute halves, without constant subs, without bizarre rules or team names or artificial "supporter's clubs" or yellow lines bisecting the field, or ... sigh.
This goes a little farther, too. I don't care if this is the fly-by-night A-League: I can't think of any other league that would insult its fans in a press release. If the NBA had sent this out, David Stern would have someone's head on a table saw.
But, hey, this is the bold new American soccer! It's all about the kids! Come see our websites! Grab a smoothie!
Funny thing, these guys who are all so bright are always left wondering about the same thing, year in and year out: why nobody gives a damn about the sport except them.
Oh, and of course, us "purists." And you know, we're dangerous.
See ya, Bora
Once, I found Bora Milutinovic being chased out of Foxboro Stadium by a particularly venomous employee, who had little patience for his protests. He didn't have a badge, yet there he was, halfway into a game, having conned his way past the security downstairs. He spotted me: "My friend," he cried, though I am positive he barely recognized me. Yes, I vouched for him, and no, I did not see him for the rest of the game. I expected no less.
One great story I heard from a colleague whom I trust was that Milutinovic (hereafter "Bora," which is what everyone calls him) once walked into Bayern Munich's grounds during a European tourney without a ticket and convinced the courtesy desk clerk to let him in by tipping his sunglasses and crooning: "Do you know who I am?" Of course she did. How could she not?
Bora has always been the carpetbagger, the magician and the psychoanalyst. He is beloved by as many members of the American soccer community as anyone can possibly be without causing the b.s. detector to implode, and of course, he is completely full of it. Players love him. Players hate him. Fans hate him. I am sure that, somewhere, there are stockbrokers who hate him too.
Now, Bora has been hired and fired with the best of them. He squired Mexico into the World Cup, only to be axed when he didn't win games he could have. Twice. In between was a stint with the USA, where he brilliantly showed that even the most unskilled team could play a system -- and succeed -- in modern soccer.
But that magic has run out this week; Bora's been canned again, and this time we're left not with a magician's puff of smoke, but a curiously empty season. Was Bora ever really in New York to begin with?
Now, New York stunk before Bora arrived. The MetroStars have maintained a level throughout their history, and it's low: Try as they might, the fact is that this team couldn't punt a ball into the ocean from the beach, and they knew it all year long.
The Stars could have played a different brand of ball. There's an old joke that asks what you get when you put seven Americans on the field at once; the answer is "bored." In New York's case, with what little they had to work with, "boring" might have been acceptable if it had resulted in wins. Bora was known for being boring: he hated to lose. This was, after all, a man who reached out to grab Cobi Jones at the touchline in 1994 -- during a game! -- when his forward dared to amble westward.
But New York didn't play that way -- surprisingly. They attacked, impotently. Defenders such as Mike Petke and Arley Palacios were totally exposed. Promising youngsters such as Tim Howard were wasted. The team stunk worse. I mean, no-hope, no-excuse, call the-GM-up-and-he-admits-it stunk.
Very un-Bora. Bora not only didn't do anything with the Stars, he didn't even try. Why? Even while riding herd on the Nigerian national team, Bora had a little more pride than to turn in this kind of performance.
I think he didn't try because he saw that it was useless. New York is a team that cannot be fixed. After this, the fifth coach New York has run through, I hope that someone will convince MetroMedia that as nice as GM Charlie Stillitano might be, that it isn't entirely the league's or the coaches' or the players' fault that New York remains in the cellar. The entire franchise needs a dismantling, from the sullen Tab Ramos to the AstroTurf. At least the turf is coming out.
As for Bora, I think this sojourn means a slow fade into the night. Sure, he'll re-appear to coach some Middle Eastern or Central American team desperate to make the 2002 World Cup, but the smoke and mirrors have had their day.
Jamie Trecker, editor of Kick! magazine, writes regularly for ESPN.com. You may e-mail him at jamie_trecker@go.com; while he guarantees he will read all letters, he regrets that he cannot guarantee a reply because of overwhelming volume.
| |
ALSO SEE
Trecker: MLS coaches on hot seat
 |
