| Sunday, November 14
By Frank Hughes
Special to ESPN.com |
|
In complete, genuine honesty, I can't decide who the bigger idiot is:
Michael Buffer, or the person who actually hires him.
You know Buffer, the male bimbo who shows up at boxing matches and
mindlessly belts out, "Let's get reeeeeeaaaddddddy to ruuuuuuuuuuumble!!!!"
|  | | The Mailman led Utah with 20 points. |
Well, now it seems, Michael Buffoon has ridiculously expanded his business opportunities. A few weeks ago on Monday night football, Buffoon was in Green Bay letting all those Cheeseheads know it was time for them to "rumble."
The next night, less than 24 hours later, Buffoon was in Los Angeles, at
the Los Angeles Clippers' home opener, which also was the NBA's unveiling of the Staples Center.
But this time, Buffoon changed his schtick. With firecrackers going off
around him and smoke billowing from every orifice of the new building,
Buffoon unleashed: "Lets get reeeeeeeaaadddddy to
roooooouuunnnndbaaaaaaalllll."
Imagine, an adaptable Buffoon. Pretty soon, you're going to see Buffoon at your child's kindergarten class, yelling, "Lets get reeeeeeeeaaaaddddddy to reeeeeectaaaaaaannnnngle!!!!!"
I mean, come on, what does this guy really add? I can't even fathom the
conversation the idiots who think up this stuff have. Doesn't anybody think
anymore?
"Well, Bob, it's the Clippers' grand opening, how can we spice up the show and make it really memorable?"
"I don't know, Jim. How 'bout we get that Buffoon guy.He's unforgettable."
I mean, I've been to several NBA games and watched a bunch of boxing
matches on television in which Buffoon is doing his thing. Not once have I
heard a fan in the stands or somebody at the boxing match gathering I was
attending say to the person next to them, "Yeah, let's rumble." Or, "I'm
really glad they got that Buffoon guy. I wish he would do that thing every
game." Never once have I heard somebody talking about what Buffoon added to an event.
And yet, the guy keeps showing up. Are today's sports administrators so
lazy and such unimaginative dolts that THIS is all they can come up with?
I imagine I should bow down at the guy's feet for exploiting such a stupid
concept and making so much cabbage off it. But I just can't bring myself to
respect a guy who obviously has so little self-respect. It's going to ring a
little hollow when the epitaph on his gravestone reads, "Let's get
reeeeeeeeeaaaddddy to ruuuuuuuuuuuummmmble," don't you think?
I'm sorry, Mike, if this column in any way causes you to lose a buck. But
somebody needs to be the "60 Minutes" of the sports world. For those of you who don't understand what I am saying, listen up. THIS GUY IS A SHAM.
I understand the American public is gullible enough to accept mindless
drivel. In my lifetime alone, I have witnessed my fellow man swallow, without question, the Pet Rock, the Cabbage Patch Doll, Saturday Night Live for the past 10 years, and, most recently, Pokemon. But at least those things added a little entertainment to somebody's life, if only for a second. Buffoon adds nothing. NOTHING.
The worst part is now he is pimping himself. He used to just say the
rumble line. Now he leads it off with some self-promotion. And it's getting
worse. He started out with, "For the thousands in attendance, and the
hundreds of thousands watching around the world....."
That has turned into, "For the hundreds of thousands in attendance, and
the trillions watching around the galaxy....."
Even more disturbing, I once saw the guy on Magic Johnson's talk show.
(And since I never got to chime in about that travesty, allow me to take a
moment. I once wrote a line about Magic that I was proud of, and since this
whole column is about repeating yourself over and over and over and over and over, well, I can't resist.
The line was this: Having a conversation with Magic Johnson is like
speaking with an ophthalmologist; All they want to talk about is I.
And that is my theory about why Magic's show was so abysmal. If he had to actually interview somebody else about their life, and not talk about himself for an extended period, he struggled so mightily that it became painful to watch. And since the Magic Johnson show was not about Magic Johnson, he didn't know how to handle it. Same thing with coaching: When the Los Angeles Lakers were not about Magic, he failed miserably.)
(And while we're on asides, I saw an interesting item that came out of the
Minnesota Timberwolves' and Sacramento Kings' trip to Tokyo. Apparently, the players were asked to cover their tattoos when at and around team
headquarters in Tokyo because members of the yakuza, an organized crime
syndicate in Japan, are known to wear them as badges of honor.
Now how people can confuse a bunch of 6-8 black basketball players with a bunch of Asian gang members simply because they all are wearing tattoos
is beyond me. Doesn't anybody have common sense anymore?)
Which brings me back to Buffoon appearing on Magic's show. In all Magic's incisive interviewing insight, he actually asked Buffoon, "So, did you come up with that saying yourself?"
I turned off the show. I couldn't take it anymore.
And if I have to attend another event where Buffoon is doing his thang, I
may have to walk out of that, too. Team officials, please take note.
Buffoon's act is old. It no longer is original. It is a waste of our time and
your money.
There are some questions that I want to know about Buffoon before his time comes to an end, though. Like, how many tuxes does he own? Because if it is just one, it sure must smell pretty foul. And how much hair gel does he use to get that dome to stay so coifed? I wonder if he has any good "Let's get reeeeeeeadddddy to ruuuuuuuuuuummmmble" anecdotes to tell.
Something like, "So I had the microphone in my hand, and the pressure was on, and the fans were cheering wildly for me, and for a split second, I
forgot my line. It was sheer madness."
To be fair, though, I wonder what Buffoon will do after his rumble career
has run its course. What does he put on his resume?
Job Experience: Carnival Barker.
Job Description: Make an ass out of myself, and whomever takes me
seriously, by standing up before a large crowd, with a stupidly dignified
expression my face, make my voice go really low and yell something that
really makes no sense and has no effect on the outcome of anything.
Perhaps, though, when nobody hires Buffoon any longer, he can apply for a job as the public address announcer at Orlando Magic games. No matter what Buffoon does, he never will be as obnoxious as that cat.
Frank Hughes covers the NBA for the Tacoma (Wash.) News-Tribune. He is a regular contributor to ESPN.com. |  |
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