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Friday, August 18
Sonics hooked on phonics

By Frank Hughes
Special to ESPN.com

You ever see those signs when you are walking through an airport?


	Vladimir Stepania might have an even tougher time communicating with his teammates in 2000-01.

Welcome!

Wilkommen!

Bienvenido!

The Seattle SuperSonics are planning on putting one of those over the doors of their practice facility for the first day of training camp this season.

Apparently, in need of frontcourt help, the Sonics are planning on signing a guy named Ruben Wolkowyski, a 6-foot-10 forward from Argentinia. He speaks no English.

He will join Cuban-born forward Lazaro Borrell. He speaks no English.

He will join the Republic of Georgia-born forward Vladimir Stepania. He speaks very little English.

He joins second-round draft pick Olumide Oyedeji, born in Nigeria, and from Germany of late. He speaks some English.

They all join All-Star point guard Gary Payton, who, if you've ever heard Gary speak, could be construed as speaking a language other than precise English.

Can you imagine the Sonics' team meetings? They're going to be like councils at the United Nations, with all these players wearing headsets so that coach Paul Westphal's words can be interpreted into different languages.

The Sonics might even have to lay off some of their personnel because they'll need the extra money to hire translators for their players. And not just people to translate, say, Russian into English. No, they had to hire not only that, but somebody to translate Russian into Spanish, Russian into Nigerian and Russian into Payton.

"Sorry, Mr. Grant and Mr. Lewis, we do not have a strength and conditioning coach this season because Mr. Stepania needed to be able to converse with Mr. Wolkowyski about the exact way to defend on a low-post screen."

"Why is that number falling off your jersey, Mr. Barry? Oh, well, because we could not afford the dude who usually does sewing repairs to our uniforms. Mr. Oyedeji needed to speak with Mr. Borrell about international politics."

The Sonics are going to have to appeal for a rare waiver from the league, so they can bring players on and off the injured list at critical times because they don't have enough bodies.

Think about it: Most NBA teams get Thanksgiving off. But what do Messrs. Borrell, Oyedeji, Stepania and Wolkowyski care about Thanksgiving? Pilgrims? How do you say pilgrims in Nigerian?

Of course, when their countries' Independence Days are celebrated, they will have to be given the day off, as well, or that could be construed as harassment or some such PC name that plagues today's workplace.

Westphal is going to have to carry three or four foreign-language pocket dictionaries around in his jacket during games, just so he can shout out instructions. Or maybe he can just wear one of those humongous laminated sheets that Bill Parcells used to wear, the one with all his plays on them.

Except Westphal can have key words written on the page, so if he has to tell Wolkowyski to rebound on the weak side, he can say, "Ruben, um, err, hold on, where is it, oh there it is, Ruben, ah, forget it, Ruben don't get dunked on. Ruben, no dunkee."

Of course, Ruben Patterson might think Westphal is speaking to him, but that's a whole different problem.

Jazz out of tune
I just can't picture the Utah Jazz this season. Forever the standard for hard-working, blue-collar, no-nonsense basketball, with, quite obviously, Karl Malone and John Stockton the torchbearers for such a cause, I just can't fathom this new mix of players.

First off, John Starks, as good as he once was, is no Jeff Hornacek. Perhaps he was simply in a two-year slump, but I don't think the guy can shoot anymore.

Then, there is Donyell Marshall. By all accounts, Marshall is a super-nice, unfairly treated player who got a raw deal because of the circumstances in Golden State.

But also by all accounts, Marshall is not a hard-worker. And the Jazz already have one of those, and Greg Ostertag drives Malone nuts as possible.

What is Karl going to do when he has to deal with two cats whose idea of weightlifting is picking up the keys to put in the ignition so they can leave practice as quickly as possible. Throw Olden Polynice's quirks in there, and the Mailman will be about to go postal.

I know it's an overused, and sometimes incorrectly used, term, but chemistry plays a big part in success. For so many years, the Jazz have had that chemistry. If they can continue it, more power to them. But this seems like an odd mix of players for that to happen.

Something to like about Ike
It's nice to see Ike Austin finally take responsibility for his shortcomings -- read: laziness -- in his game.

Austin told the Washington Post this week that he wants to remain a Wizard, rather than running from his problems -- problems, he might have finally realized, that are of his own doing because he failed to commit himself after he signed his big contract the way he committed himself before he signed it. It sounds good now, in mid-August. I hope he remembers his pledge when things get tough in mid-January.

Misjudging their playoff wizardry
Speaking of the Wizards, I owe them an apology. In a column a few weeks ago, I said they have not made the playoffs since Juwan Howard signed his $105 million contract.

I was wrong. They made it the year after he signed his contract, getting swept in the first round by the Chicago Bulls. They have not made it since.

Frank Hughes covers the NBA for the Tacoma (Wash.) News-Tribune. He is a regular contributor to ESPN.com.


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