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Capt. Shaq's Fun Page V By Jim Caple Page 2 | ||||
| Welcome to part 5 of Capt. Shaq's Fun Page as we continue our journey with the Diesel. Let's check out Shaq's advice to the lovelorn and confused. Dear Shaq ...Dear Shaq, I hope you can help me with my problem. I'm a pretty, talented and confident young woman, yet I always seem to be in my sister's shadow. Everything I do, people always compare me to my sister. No matter what, it seems as if I'm never as good as she is or as popular as she is or ranked as high as she is. (And don't get me started on Dad.) But the worst is that now some overpaid basketball player is boasting about how he slept with my sister but not me. Do you think I should get breast implants? --Unappreciated in West Palm Dear Unappreciated, Don't worry -- people recognize you for your own gifts, regardless of your cup size. Family is the most important thing there is, and you're lucky to have such a loving sister and father. You might be jealous of your sister now, but in time you will cherish how close you two are. Until then, most problems young people experience can be easily solved by drinking lots of Pepsi and eating lots of Nestle Crunch bars. Dear Shaq, I'm about to move in with my best friend (who's really cool) and his family while I get back in shape and ready for my big comeback. How should I go about sneaking in a woman? -- Charles in Charge Dear Charles, You are going to be a guest of your friend and his family, so you must respect their privacy and their home. Be very discreet. Wait until your friend puts his kids to bed, wait another hour to make sure everyone is asleep, go to sleep yourself, then wake up and go on a radio show and say you slept with her. Dear Shaq, There's this guy who used to be a friend, right, only I don't like hanging around him that much anymore now that he's retired and fat? The problem is he keeps telling everyone that we're still tight and blabbing to everybody what the two of us are going to do next and how we're going to play together next year. He's even telling people that I've invited him to live with me and my family, can you believe that? It's embarrassing. I don't want to hurt his feelings but how can I tell him to stop bugging me? -- Soon to be Sleepless in Chicago Dear Sleepless, It's sad when someone who used to be close to us doesn't realize that we have moved on, and there no longer is room for them in our lives. The best way to handle this is to humor your old friend, let him move in his stuff, then sneak out at night, have all the utilities turned off and leave no forwarding address or phone number. This usually works for me. Dear Shaq, You seem to have great success with the ladies. What are your top five pick-up lines? -- L.A. Zen Dear Zen, That's easy. These are my top five sure-fire lines: 5. Did anyone ever tell you that you look exactly like Cindy Crawford? 4. Would you like to help me with my foul shot? 3. Didn't I say I slept with you on a popular morning radio show? 2. If I told you I recorded "Shaq Diesel," would you hold it against me? 1. I know Kobe. |
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