| | With Ken Griffey Jr.'s trade to Cincinnati, pitching in the National League Central division suddenly became baseball's most demanding occupation next to family practice attorney for Al Martin.
|  | | Most pitchers live in fear of watching Mark McGwire connect. |
How rough is pitching in the NL Central going to be? Consider the following hypothetical first-pitcher account from the 2000 season: "I Will Bear Home Runs."
March 30 (Phoenix): I can't believe it! They made the final cuts today, and I made the team! Not only that, I'm going to get the opening day start! True, I'm only with the Milwaukee Brewers, so it's kind of like being in the majors with an asterisk -- but what the heck! The Brewers have to pay big-league meal money just like everyone else.
The first thing I did was call the most important person in my life, and he congratulated me, said he always believed I could do this and told me this was just the beginning of a long and spectacular career. Then he reminded me that as my agent, he is entitled to four percent of my salary.
March 31: Called Mom and Dad today, and they were pretty excited and wanted to know when they could watch me pitch on TV. I told them they could
see me Monday because we're playing the Reds on ESPN. Mom asked if that meant I would face Ken Griffey Jr., in my big-league debut and I told her yes.
They got real quiet after that until Dad said, "Promise me one thing, son. That you'll wear a cup."
April 3 (Cincinnati): Well, as Davey Lopes said when he took the ball from me on the mound, there have been worse big-league debuts. Not that you would know from the highlight shows. Typical ESPN, always harping on the negative. All they did was show the three home runs Griffey hit off me, as if he completely owned me. I mean, I walked Junior twice, too.
And it can't really be true that no one ever hit a ball out of Cinergy Field before, can it?
April 8 (St. Louis): Made my second career start today. Or so I'm told. Last thing I can remember is warming up in the bottom of the first inning. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the hospital. Doctors say I'll be OK in a couple weeks, just so as long as I don't pitch to Mark McGwire anymore.
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Well, I don't have to worry about
Sammy, Mac, Junior or Bagwell for awhile. I'm
back on the disabled list. Our team doctor said it's the first case of whiplash he has ever
seen on the ballfield. ” |
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I saw the replay on SportsCenter -- Mac hit my first pitch to him so hard that the ball ricocheted off my forehead all the way into my seats by the dugout. I fell unconscious to ground immediately. McGwire went to second base with a ground-rule double.
April 15 (Milwaukee): I thought that line drive might have caused some brain damage because I kept hallucinating that Griffey, McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Jeff Bagwell all were in our division and that we play their teams 51 times this season. The team doctor said the good news is I'm not hallucinating. He also said the bad news is I'm not hallucinating.
May 10 (Chicago): My first day at Wrigley Field, the ballpark I've always dreamed about pitching in. What a magnificent day. A gorgeous
afternoon, not a cloud in the sky, the bleachers filled with fans and me absolutely dealing out there. Life couldn't get any better.
And then the wind started blowing out.
At least Davey said Sosa probably has to pay for the apartment windows his three home runs broke, not me.
July 2 (Milwaukee): Well, I don't have to worry about Sammy, Mac, Junior or Bagwell for awhile. I'm back on the disabled list. Our team doctor said it's
the first case of whiplash he has ever seen on the ballfield. Davey says he'll see it more often if I insist on watching Sosa's home runs as they leave the park.
July 22 (Chicago): Three game series at Wrigley, and the wind is blowing out again. My stomach hurts.
Aug. 10 (Milwaukee): We start a 10-day stretch tomorrow in which we play nine games against McGwire, Griffey and Bagwell.
Hair beginning to fall out in clumps.
Aug. 13: The good news is I only gave up two home runs to McGwire. The bad news is they were in the first inning.
Oh well. It could be worse. As a starter, I won't have to face Griffey in the next series that begins tomorrow. That means four days of
relaxation and three good night's sleep without worry.
Aug. 14: They moved me to the bullpen.
Aug. 16: Brought in to face Griffey with the bases loaded. I was so scared my first pitch went to the backstop, the next one went over the
backstop, and the third one hit Uecker in the broadcast booth.
They say I was speaking in tongues when Davey removed me at that point.
Aug. 17: We play the Astros the next three days, and I don't think I'd survive except for one thing -- we're playing in Houston, and I know the
ball doesn't carry in the Astrodome.
Aug. 18 (Houston): What the hell happened to the Astrodome??? We get to Houston, and it's hot and humid and miserable and worst of all, just
315 feet between Bagwell, and the left field fence! Can't the players union do something about these new ballparks?
Aug. 20: Extreme hair loss, frequent nose bleeds, an uncontrollable twitch and violent bladder movements. Either Mac, Junior,
Sammy and Bagwell are getting to me or I'm eating too many of those new County Stadium fat blocker bratwursts.
Aug. 27 (Louisville): I can't believe it. Four days before rosters expand, and they sent me down to the minors. Davey called me in and said he
wanted to keep me, but that he didn't think I would be effective as long as I was shaking more than Barney Fife trying to break up a shootout between
the Crips and Bloods.
Oh, well. At least I won't have to face Mac, Junior, Sammy or Bagwell anymore. Which is good. I've already lost so much hair that I was
mistaken for Matt Williams during our trip to Arizona.
Sept. 29 (Omaha): Tied at 84, McGwire is battling Griffey for the home-run title this final weekend, and it doesn't bother me. In fact, I think
everything is going to work out fine. My hair is slowly growing back, the Brewers say they're counting on me for next year and the doctors say I'll be
out of here in plenty of time before pitchers and catchers report.
I'll be ready. Hey, my arm feels great when they loosen the jacket straps at night.
Jim Caple is the national baseball writer for the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, which has a website at www.seattle-pi.com. His "Off Base" column appears every Wednesday on ESPN.com.
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