OK, we tried. We recognized our nation's latest crisis. We laid it out as
simply as we could. Too many home runs. Too few really cool, poetic ways to describe them.
That was the concept. Then we put out our call to you to help address it.
But after two weeks of searching for the Great American Home Run Call,
we're knocking off the search. This jury isn't just out. It's been sent home.
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Triviality
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Only one active National League rookie of the year was taken in the
first round of the June baseball draft. Can you name him?
(Answer at bottom)
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Oh, we got entries, all right. We got enough to wallpaper our house and
have enough left over to do the whole ESPN newsroom. But somehow, we just
never got one that felt quite right.
We know that now. We know it after running another huge batch of ideas
past the great voice of ESPN, Jon Miller. If we got one good enough, Miller
had promised he'd actually use it on the air. So here's his review of some of
the Week Two submissions:
First off, we got a ton of cinematic references, thanks to Miller's request
for more modern, less-cultish allusions than last week's obscure but
hilarious "Phoebe Cates has left the pool" call, from "Fast Times at
Ridgemont High."
Some of these rolled in too late to be reviewed. But they included Rob
Carroll's "That is one Biff that Marty McFly can't even stop" (from "Back to
the Future"); Christopher Hall's "After this pitch, unleash hell" (from
"Gladiator"); Zack Elder's "Freeeeeeeedommmmm" (from "Braveheart"); Greg
Trevor's "To the bleachers -- and beyond" (from "Star Wars"); Brian Greer's
"Keeping that ball in the park is not just mission difficult, it's mission
impossible" (from guess where); and Ken Danila's "Move over Roy Hobbs, 'cause
Shane Spencer (or whoever) is all natural" (from "the Natural").
Sorry. They all got two thumbs down. But we'd love to send you guys a
free bucket of popcorn.
Now, in other departments ... from Ed Covello, of Mount Pleasant, S.C.:
"Looks like that ball's been stamped USDA gone!"
|  | | 'That one's going into international express mail!' |
"This one has to be from a butcher," Miller said. "You know how they have to
inspect all the meat and stamp it? Maybe we've got so many home runs now that
we'll have to have the government actually make sure the balls are suitable
for public consumption, that they're not juiced too much. Then we can say:
'Move over, Roy Hobbs. That one's ALL natural.' "
From Yan Moskalevskiy of Chicago: "Stick a couple of stamps on that one.
It's outta here!!"
"This one's a possibility, I guess, with some heavy editing," Miller
postulated. "How about: 'Stick a couple of stamps on that one. It's going
overnight,' Or: 'That one's overseas.' ... 'That one's going into
international express mail.' ... 'That one's going guaranteed two-day
delivery.' This could be a finalist. But I'm not putting my, uh, stamp of
approval on it yet."
From Ryan Pitts, of Cheney, Wash.: "He heard his mama callin', and he's on
his way home."
"He heard his MAMA calling?" Miller second-guessed. "Hmmm. Let's see: 'That
one's going home to mama.' No. Don't think so. Maybe: 'Put some extra postage
on that one. It's going home to mama."
From Chris Goodwin, of Texarkana, Texas: "Timber!!"
"Who is this from -- some lumberjack?" Miller wondered. "I'll give it a try:
'Tim-berrrrrrr!!' Nah, it's a little too obscure. But if we ever had a
big-league team called the Caliveras Big Trees, playing in Caliveras Big
Tree Stadium, it would be perfect."
From Richard Trionfo, of Altamonte Springs, Fla.: "He hit that one into the
next millennium!"
"The next millennium?" Miller gulped. "That's a REALLY long drive. It'll take
a thousand years for that one to land."
Yes, but we're afraid it won't take a thousand years for this contest to
end. We got hundreds and hundreds of suggestions -- every darned one of them
well-intentioned at the least, highly entertaining at the most. But in the
end, after digesting them all, we've learned our lesson. And the lesson is:
Calling all these home runs is harder than it looks.
"I still think the best rule of thumb," Miller said, "is that this
happens live. You don't know what's going to happen in advance. So I think
probably the best thing is to just react to what's actually happening,
instead of trying to set yourself up for one of these calls you've planned in
advance.
"You know, you don't always know at first where these balls are going. I got
fooled on one myself the other night. I thought it was out, and it got
caught. But I could already have been into, 'Put some extra stamps on that
one. That's gone. It's going overnight. Guaranteed.' Then I'd have had to
say, 'No, it's caught. It's been sent back. Returned to sender.' So there's
some danger in that."
Yes, there's danger even in the seemingly glorious world of home run
calling. We know that now. So finally, we've come to recognize the valuable
moral of this well-intentioned two-week exercise in crisis intervention.
"I think the moral is, we're highly trained professionals," Miller said.
"And don't try this at home."
Hill willys of the week
It's smaller than Mount Everest. It's greener than Pikes Peak. And it's
not craggy enough to be considered an official section of the Rockies.
But no elevated plateau in America has gotten more attention lately than
Tal's Hill -- the grassy incline that slopes up toward the center-field wall in the
deepest part of Houston's new, always-entertaining Enron Field.
For nearly two months, not one batted ball reached Tal's Hill, because,
thankfully, it's located about 420 feet from home plate. But that hill -- the
brainstorm of Astros president Tal Smith -- kept lurking, and that hill kept
waiting. So it was only a matter of time until, one of these days, it
got a chance to swallow some poor, defenseless center fielder who temporarily
forgot, much like those old-time Columbus detractors, that not all the earth
is flat.
Well, finally, last weekend, that moment arrived. Tal's Hill, meet Andruw
Jones.
Hard to believe, but poor Andruw had to scale The Hill not once, but twice last Friday -- in the same inning. He made a stumbling catch of the
second hill ball for a precarious putout. But on the first one -- a drive by
Jeff Bagwell -- he went sprinting back, glove outstretched, and then slammed
right into the old mini-mountain.
It was kind of like baseball's real-life version of a Road Runner cartoon.
Except Bagwell got a triple out of it.
"It wasn't pretty," Braves pitcher Terry Mulholland told Week in Review.
"You know how they've got that train up on top of the wall? Well, Andruw
looked like another train -- only it was a train WRECK."
As a pitcher, Mulholland spends more time on hills than most people on the
field. So we asked him for suggestions on how outfielders should prepare for
Tal's Hill in the future.
"I think the best thing we can do to prepare," he said, "is next spring
training, we'll have all the outfielders go back on fly balls in front of the
mound and see how that goes."
But Phillies center fielder Doug Glanville, who survived two journeys to
Enron without rising above sea level, thinks that might not be enough.
Glanville once again endorsed his proposed special Enron footwear -- Air
Himalayas.
He said he came to Enron for the second time last month "equipped with spikes
and suction cups." But he was "saddened," he reported, "that I never got a
chance to sport them in chasing down a 'mountain shot.'
"I'd like to see the Enron people add grappling hooks to the flag pole
and equip all center fielders with cables," Glanville said. "We can use them
to scale the pole to make a sensational catch. (Would that be a 'cable
catch?') Or we could use them to rappel down the mountain in the event of a
miss."
Or they could always bring along some dynamite and level the whole hill.
Instant replay of the week
It isn't over till it's over, huh? Tell it to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
They played a game Wednesday in which they got the third out in the ninth
inning. They had the lead. So they lined up to shake hands. And those
are usually regarded as clear-cut signs that the game you've just witnessed
is, officially, history.
But not on this night, it wasn't. Those Devil Rays were then informed by the
old powers that be (i.e., the umpires) that, amazingly, this game was still
not over.
"I'd say," catcher Mike DiFelice told Week in Review, "that pretty much
sums up our whole season."
OK, here's what happened: The Rays led Baltimore 4-3 with two outs in
the ninth. B.J. Surhoff bounced a ball that deflected off closer Roberto
Hernandez and out to shortstop, where Felix Martinez slurped it up and threw
to first.
Fred McGriff short-hopped it. Umpire Brian Runge called Surhoff out. And the
celebrating began.
Everyone popped out of the dugout. The coaching staff and all 25 players
worked their way through the usual receiving line. Players started streaming
toward the clubhouse. The grounds crew trotted onto the field and began
uprooting bases. Thanks for coming. Drive home safely. Right?
Wrong. Crew chief John Shulock ambled over from third base to confer with
Runge. From his angle, Shulock said, it appeared that McGriff's foot wasn't
on the bag. So after a brief conference, they decided to rule Surhoff safe at
first -- after the game had been over for several minutes.
"All I remember hearing," DiFelice said, "is somebody yelling at the
grounds crew, 'Put the base back.' We were done shaking hands. I was starting
to walk off the field. And then somebody started yelling, 'No-no-no-no. Don't
go away.' I said, 'What do you mean -- don't go away? The game's over.' I
mean, I know we don't have many wins. But hey, we can win a game. We're
capable of that. We're allowed to win one, too."
Oh, they were allowed to win this one, all right. They just had to win it
twice. After a fine little rhubarb and a nine-minute delay, Hernandez warmed
up a second time and the game resumed.
Since this was the Devil Rays, it got dramatic, of course. Charles
Johnson blooped a single to move the tying run to third. Hernandez then went
to (what else?) a full count on Brady Anderson. And DiFelice said he was
thinking: "If this next pitch is anything close and it's a ball, I'm probably
not going to be in the game very long."
But finally, Hernandez reared back and blew a high flameball past
Anderson. And this game was over. Again. Really. No kidding.
So the Rays lined up to shake hands a second time, "and everybody was
kind of looking around," DiFelice reminisced, "saying, 'OK, is it over NOW?' "
Usually, when you hear guys say, "Let's win two," this isn't what they
have in mind. But apparently, there's no truth to the rumor Tampa Bay gets
credit for two wins out of this.
"I'm trying to find that out," DiFelice said. "I've been looking at our
record, thinking, 'Maybe they put that one in the win column two times.' Tell
you what. If we end up one game out in the wild card, I'm going to claim we
won two ballgames on May 31."
Trifecta of the week
When you think of an unassisted triple play, you think of a guy running
all over the baseball field, tagging everyone in the ballpark. Sure sounds
exciting in theory, doesn't it?
But Monday, when we actually got to see the 10th regular-season
unassisted triple play since 1900, it was hard not to ask: What's the big
deal about that?
This latest solo act was turned by Oakland second baseman Randy Velarde.
And how did he do it? As A's GM Billy Beane put it, "The planets just lined
up right." First and second. No outs. Runners moving with the pitch. Line drive right at
him. Catch. Tag the base. Tag the runner. Count to three. Run off the field.
"The whole thing," said Jon Miller, who called it for ESPN, "took two
seconds."
This play is so astonishingly rare, yet so remarkably nondescript, that
your reaction when you see it isn't: Wow, what a thrill. It's more like: Huh?
What was that?
"I was like everybody else," Beane said. "I was thinking: 'What the heck
did I just see?'"
"What struck me," Miller said, "was that after he got the third out,
Velarde was checking the runner on third, almost as if he were saying, 'How
can I throw you out, too?'"
Now that's something we'd really like to see -- an unassisted quadruple
play. And if we ever do, Velarde will probably be the guy who turns it, too --
because he's now the only player we've ever heard of who has pulled off two
unassisted triple plays. He racked up his first one in a spring-training game
in '91.
"You'd have a better chance," Velarde said, "of being hit by lightning."
And that's true, as a matter of fact. But if there was anyone in Yankee
Stadium who was more ho-hum about this event than Velarde, it was second-base umpire Rick Reed.
He was asked by Baseball America's Alan Schwarz if he'd ever seen an
unassisted triple play.
Yeah, he replied. "Two weeks ago ... in my 7-year-old's Little League
game."
And Tyler Reed pulled off his trey just like Velarde, too: Line drive.
Catch. Tag the base. Tag the runner.
"He just started tagging everything in sight," Rick Reed said. "He went
to go tag the center fielder after he tagged the runner from first. I don't
think he knew exactly what happened. He got to tag a lot of people and bases
and stuff. It was cool for him."
So next time you hear these unassisted triple plays happen once in a
lifetime, think again. Think of Rick Reed.
"I've had two in two weeks," he said.
Except that, in one minor respect, Tyler Reed's unassisted triple play
was different than Velarde's.
"He didn't save the ball," his dad reported. "And he didn't do any
interviews."
Wild pitches
Box score line of the week: Last Sunday in Tropicana Field, Seattle's Jose Mesa gave a whole new meaning to that term, "blown save." He blew the save. Then he blew up the entire
afternoon, with this astonishing line: 1/3 IP, 7 H, 9 R, 9 ER, 2 BB, 0 K, 1
HR, 2 doubles, 38 pitches to get one out, one ejection (after two pitches in
a walk to DiFelice looked a little too ominous to plate ump Dana
DeMuth). Mesa's review of his performance: "The worst ever in my career, even
when I was a starter. I'm pitching like crap." Well, that summed that up.
Box score line of the week (mystery-pitcher dept.):
And after Mesa took a hike, somebody had to pitch. So Lou Piniella
looked up and down his bench, much like a guy with a tray surveying a buffet
line, and finally pointed at utilityman John Mabry. Mabry wandered into this
mess with the bases loaded and produced this line: 2/3 IP, 3 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 1
BB, 0 K, 3 more runs charged to Mesa. Asked to describe his pitching
philosophy, Mabry replied: "Just get them to hit the ball at someone -- and
hope they don't kill any fielders in the process."
Pitchers' revenge of the week: And now for something that can't possibly have happened -- but really did: A
game at Coors Field in which the pitchers drove in more runs (two) than the
hitters (one).
It happened May 26: Pirates 2, Rockies 1. Pirates pitcher Francisco Cordova
singled in one Pittsburgh run. Rockies starter Masato Yoshii homered off
Cordova for the Rockies' only run. And all the non-pitchers combined to go 12-for-60 (.200), with one RBI (by John Vander Wal).
"That will never happen again in the history of Coors Field," said
Rockies coach-humorist Rich Donnelly. "For one thing, Yoshii will never hit a
home run like that again. He hit it, but he didn't know what he did. He ran
to second. Then he ran halfway to the mound, because he thought he was out.
Then they told him, no, the ball was out. So he went back to second and
finished his trot. It was the worst home run trot in the history of baseball."
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How good can
Randy Johnson be if he's got to depend on getting Mark McGwire to hit into a triple
play? ” |
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— Jon Miller |
BLT to go of the week: We've heard many people attempt to explain why last Sunday's Roger-Pedro
classic was a game people will write books about:
The two Cy Youngs meeting. The greatest rivalry in baseball. The teams tied
for first place. One pitcher (Pedro) riding a wave that used to belong to the
other (Roger). The memories of their disappointing, overhyped playoff
showdown last October. A full house in the ultimate cathedral of baseball.
And all of those theories are 100 percent right.
But no description of what this game felt like amused us more than the
simple Jimy-speak observations of Red Sox manager Jimy Williams: "This was one of those games where, if you wanted a sandwich, you wanted to have somebody get it for you."
Back-to-back starts of the week: Giants pitcher Russ Ortiz may have just made the two most unexplainable
back-to-back starts ever recorded. On May 21, he made a start against the
Brewers in which he gave up 10 runs -- and won. Then, on May 26, he gave up
only one hit against the Cubs -- and didn't win (because the bullpen blew the
lead).
"I guess," said Giants broadcaster Jon Miller, "that just lends credence
to the old cliché, 'It all evens out.'"
Back-to-back relief appearances of the week: But Ortiz will be glad to know this stuff is apparently catching.
Last Friday (May 26) against Toronto, Tigers reliever Doug Brocail faced five
batters, got no outs and took the loss. The next day, also against Toronto,
he faced five batters, got five outs and got the win. Talk about your
outhouse-to-penthouse rides.
"I hate the outhouse," Brocail told Booth Newspapers' Danny Knobler.
"It's amazing how little sleep you get in the outhouse."
E.R. fan club of the week: The Cleveland Indians aren't a baseball team these days. They're an
intensive-care unit. They've got more patients than one of those TV doctor
shows. They're now up to eight players on the disabled list and 25 roster
moves made just since May 18. So if you're looking for any financial tips ... "An MRI might be a good stock, if we check on it," said manager Charlie Manuel.
Hanger-on of the week: Diamondbacks left fielder Luis Gonzalez made one of the great catches of
the year Monday, but only because he mistimed his leap and had to prove --
at least temporarily -- that what goes up doesn't have to come down.
Gonzalez raced back to the wall in pursuit of what appeared to be a Ray
Lankford homer. He jumped. And then he said to himself, "Geez, the ball isn't
here yet."
So he managed to grab onto the top of the fence and hang on a
while until the baseball showed up. Whereupon he reached over and turned a
home run into an out. Which was the least he deserved after defying gravity.
"You hope in that situation you can hold on," Gonzalez said, "or that you get
a fan to hold your jersey up or something."
Reunion of the week: Last winter, you'll recall, the Tigers and Rangers made a trade in which
they swapped everybody but Al Kaline and George W. Bush. But somehow, when
the teams met Monday for the first time this year, not one of the nine
players involved in that deal appeared in the game.
"There were nine players involved in the trade -- some pretty good
players, in fact," Tigers-turned-Rangers infielder Frank Catalanotto told the
Detroit Free Press' John Lowe. "For none of them to get in there is
absolutely amazing."
Triple dip of the week: When Randy Johnson meets up with Mark McGwire, you can always count on
something spectacular happening. But a triple play?
Big Mac hit into the first of his career Wednesday in Arizona -- a weird
8-2-5 special that the Big Unit said he'd been planning all along.
"In the back of my head," Johnson quipped, "I'm on the mound thinking, 'Bases
loaded. If I can just get McGwire to hit into a triple play I'll be all
right.' "
Since this has turned into essentially a special Jon Miller edition of
Week in Review, here's his tongue-in-cheek review of this spectacular event:
"How good can Randy Johnson be," Miller deadpanned, "if he's got to depend on
getting Mark McGwire to hit into a triple play?"
Oh-no, no-nos of the week: It isn't every week that two different pitchers get pulled in the middle
of a no-hitter. But it just happened to the Marlins' Brad Penny and the
Angels' Jarrod Washburn.
When Penny threw his last pitch before a downpour halted play last
Saturday in Cincinnati, he didn't even know he was working on a no-hitter.
But during a 45-minute rain delay, the official scorer changed a Dmitri Young
single to an error on Derrek Lee. Then Ricky Bones came in after the rain
delay, with a 3-2 count on Junior Griffey, and immediately threw ball four.
So Penny had a no-hitter (for 5 2/3 innings, anyway) and a walk added to his
line 45 minutes after his final pitch. Tough to do.
Washburn, meanwhile, threw five hitless innings Wednesday in Minnesota.
Then manager Mike Scioscia yanked him because of shoulder stiffness. Washburn
pleaded his case through the Angels' sixth-inning at-bat. But in came
reliever Al Levine, anyway.
"Jarrod's not going to be an attorney," Scioscia said, "because he lost
the argument."
P.S. In both games, the relievers coughed up the no-hitter by allowing
hits to the first official batter they faced -- and neither starter got a win.
Pac crack of the week: In the grand panorama of ballpark ambience, Pac Bell Park in San
Francisco might be the greatest ballpark in the National League, and
Philadelphia's scenic Veterans Stadium might be the worst. So when the
Phillies made their first visit to Pac Bell on Monday, third baseman Scott
Rolen was asked his impressions of the Pac.
"It reminds me a lot of the Vet," Rolen humorized. "Three bases and a
home plate."
Slump of the week: Pirates second baseman Warren Morris was in a 7-for-51 funk until he
busted out with seven hits in three games against the Marlins this week.
Morris told the Beaver County (Pa.) Times' John Perrotto that this was his
worst slump since an 0-for-27 donut in the Florida State League in 1997.
"It got so bad that I was swinging at pitches in batting practice and
missing," Morris said. "It doesn't get much worse that that. At least now I
hit the BP pitches."
Six-packers of the week: On Thursday, for the third time this year, the Royals came back to win a
game they trailed in by six runs or more -- this time a zany 13-11 win in
Boston that Royals manager Tony Muser called "one of the wackiest games I've
ever witnessed."
Those three comebacks from six runs down ties the American
League record for a full season, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. So
what's the lesson we should learn from that story?
"Don't leave the game early," Royals first baseman David McCarty told the
Kansas City Star's Dick Kaegel. "And don't change the channel."
Non-reunion of the week: When both Randy Johnson and Todd Stottlemyre had to miss starts this
week, the Diamondbacks put the Arthur Frommer of pitchers, Mike (12-Team)
Morgan, back in their rotation. The bad news is, he won't start until Monday,
meaning he won't get to pitch against his ex-team, the Rangers, this weekend.
"It doesn't really matter who it is," Morgan told the East Valley
Tribune's Ed Price, "because everybody is my ex-team."
Trivia answer
Kerry Wood. Darryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden, semi-active, were also taken in the first round.
Jayson Stark is a senior writer at ESPN.com. | |
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